I Am Not Me

I’ve had this window open for three hours while I tried to figure out what I even want to say, and I’m honestly still at a loss so it’s just going to come pouring out as usual. I feel like I’m living through some kind of emotional trauma, similar to the way it felt being raped, where it’s almost like I’ve withdrawn into myself and there’s this other person outside of me going through the motions of doing my job and driving and giving my children baths and scoring baseball games and having frustrating joint visits with a family counselor.

I know that he’s trying to break me, but even knowing this doesn’t make me stop myself from letting the negativity get to me. For the past few months, I’ve found myself being strong, resilient, independent. I don’t feel that way anymore. I feel broken, panicked, unlovable, terrified, and for the first time in a long time, like I just want to disappear. Like things would be so much easier and better for everyone if I just ceased to exist. I can tell it’s irrational and not normal, but it’s getting harder and harder to fight the feelings that I don’t deserve the kindness that people have tried to show me. It’s easier to just push everyone away than accept that the good they see is true.

For a while it’s been easy to survive the stressful nights at home because the next morning I could get up and feel ok and get the kids ready and then come throw myself into work, 10 whole hours without this person that is keeping me on a rollercoaster of never knowing if he’s going to tell me I’m a shitty person and he’s scared to let our kids stay with me, or if he’s going to beg for me to still give us a chance. Then he decided that he doesn’t have to be at work by 7:15 anymore, so instead of being gone when I wake up, he’s ready and waiting to pounce on me with whatever new nastiness he conjures up to tell me. I don’t understand how one person can be so cruel and then less than 12 hours later be asking for a handjob, or telling me that he still loves me and just wants the best for me. I’m in a heightened state of constant awareness of everything I do or say, every time I have a beer or glass of wine, every facial expression I make, because I never know what the next thing to set him off will be. If I don’t talk about my feelings, he gets angry and frustrated and tells me I’m not being genuine. If I do talk about my feelings or what’s bothering me, he defends himself with snide comments about how I can’t talk because my own behavior is so abhorrent.

I only have to do this for one more week, but I’m even scared of what happens after I move out. Or the day I move out. What will I have to endure next Friday and Saturday as I finish moving what I need to my parents and packing up the stuff I really want to keep for storage and a new life at some point? What happens after that? When will we have a signed agreement in place that addresses the stickiest issues? Will I feel like I can finally breathe once I’m on the other side, or will I have to wait another year until this is final? I try to be confident about the future, but I’m fooling myself if I think it’s going to be easy.

And more than anything, I want to just be held by someone that loves me while I cry and let all of this out. I feel frighteningly alone, and I’m not helping things by isolating myself from people who do care about me, but I can’t stop feeling like sharing what I’m going through is just dragging other people down and making them not want to be around me anyway. Like, it’s the same shit different day, and there’s no point in discussing what I’ve had to endure *this* morning because everyone is probably tired of hearing about it. I’m just ready for it to be over. I keep hearing people say I’m strong and I’ll get through this and they admire me and it’s all going to be ok, and I just don’t know anymore.

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